I've got a different blog.

BLOG
That's my new blog, follow! <3
I'm keeping this one but I update the other one every day if I can.
It's more picture based and more about what I'm actually getting up to whereas this blog is trying to figure out how on earth I'll ever succeed.
I shall update this blog soon, things are getting much harder now what with fees rising and everything :(
So, yes, I shall update soon and please follow my new blog.

Step 5: Take responsibility for my mistakes.

Step three I said that I'd be starting ukulele lessons on the 20th of September. Oh, look, its the 20th of September today.
Have I been to my first ukulele lesson?
No, I have not.
I could blame many things;
the fact that today was only my 6th day at a new college,
the fact that I've got a horrible cold from the new college, or,
the fact that I didn't book up the course when I should have.
My fault.
I won't complain, even though I'm gutted that I missed this opportunity.

Anyway,
LIGHTER NOTE!
College!
I don't "click" with every teacher, there's still the kind of people there that I thought I'd leave in secondary school and I could certainly do without walking up an average of 500 stairs a day... BUT, I love it.
Maths: I am enjoying maths, something I never anticipated to say. About four days before the start of college my mind had wondered and suddenly I froze and said aloud "I'm taking MATHS?! Why the fuck am I taking MATHS?!" But now that I'm in the class, get on with the teacher and I am learning, taking in and carrying out new methods I'm really enjoying maths. (Still sounds weird when I say that)
Biology: Let's just say that the teacher's flat, droning voice and removed manner leave much to be desired, he doesn't really bring the subject alive the way I'd have liked but I'm enjoying the subject, it's very interesting, even if Mike makes it tedious.
Psychology: The teacher doesn't seem to have heard of psychology before and tends to speak to sixteen, seventeen and eighteen year-olds like we're all the way back in primary school, with a tilt of the head and a airy, upwards inflected way. Nevertheless, I've made a fun group of friends that help me laugh off any irritation at Amanda. Also, I love the subject, it's like nothing I've done before, there's a larger focus on statistics, hypotheses and correlations than I'd expected but I'm realizing that that's necessary.
English: I LOVE ENGLISH. I'm doing English Literature and Language combined and I have no criticisms whatsoever, I love the teacher, the students, the subject and the syllabus.

Bring on the next two years.

Step 4.

Decide what I want to do with my life.
I always knew I wanted to help; people, animals the environment.. You know, help.
The first thing I ever wanted to commit my life to was being a vet. I loved animals, though I didn't have much patience for my moody rabbit or cleaning out my four guiney-pigs..
Then I wanted to be a fashion designer, then reality hit me at the age of 7, I realised that I don't always get what I want. I went to an art event that Stella McCartney was part of, I was armed with a notebook full of questions to ask her about how to become an amazing fashion designer like her.. No, I didn't realise at the time that her father's name might have opened a few doors for her or the fact that she may regard herself too highly to socialise with the rest of us, nevermind considering answering my questions. She didn't even attend the event.
Then after some family lows, watching a bit too much Silent Witness and Waking the Dead and idolising a family friend who is a doctor of forensics, I decided that I wanted to commit my life to the amazing science of forensics. I went at this whole heartedly for about two years looking into it seriously, then I realised that the reality of it would be too much for me to bare and I'd never be able to separate myself from the work, also, lets be honest, I'm no medical student.
Now, my commitment is at a loose end. My Mother and I have been through lists and lists of university courses, in other words, hours and hours of me saying "No" over and over.
Lately international development has taken my fancy as it is related to the amazing work experience that I did but I can't be sure if I'm willing to commit myself to something that, lets face it, in this economy, has little prospects.
So, I spent about 3 hours doing online personality and potential career questionnaires only for my top three results to be:
General Medicine.
International Development.
Veterinary studies.
At least I'm looking in the right direction. Now, from thin air, I need to find the passion, initiative and motivation to want to commit to something that I love, because I don't see myself loving any of my "ideal career matches."
Step 4: Find a place to start looking for my future.

Step 3!

I did something.
Me, the thinker, went out there and did something!
Well, technically I've not done it yet and I've not yet enrolled but I'm not doing my thing of endless contemplation without any real outcome. Well, the consideration is over. I've made a decision.
I'm starting a term of ukulele lessons.
Not the triumph is seems but, hey why don't I take you down memory lane?
Picture this; sunny Wednesday afternoon, me, aged 5 or 6, in the car listening to "I am the mob" by Catatonia, with my mother, dropping my brother off for his weekly piano lesson.
Mother turns to me and says,
"Poppy, do you want to go to piano lessons?"
I remember the feeling of my face pulling my best appauled expression and saying "No." As if she was asking if I wanted to eat puppies and kittens for dinner.
I remember that, like I remember how I declined the offer of ballet lessons, other dance lessons, all sorts of sport lessons, classes and opportunities. I've always had some deep fear of going to these classes, even with a friend by my side I have never felt comfortable doing extra-curricular activities. Not because I hate school and learning, I figure I'm just scared of the unknown.
BACK TO THE PRESENT.
I've let my pointless fear control me for 16 and a half years and I think it's about time I make something of myself. So as of September the 20Th, every Wednesday I will go, unaccompanied, to the Sage in Gateshead to ukulele lessons. I will meet new people and learn new skills. For some reason, I cannot figure out why, as it's so unlike me, I'm eagerly anticipating the feeling of sitting in a room full of strangers with ukulele's.

I don't know if this can really be classed as step three, it's just me trying to be more independent and also learn an instrument like I've always wanted to. I've been playing the ukulele since my 16Th birthday but I'm severely limited to say the least. Well, wish me luck.

(Ooh, Step 3 is a ramble.)

Step 2..

Write in the blog?

I try, I do.

SCRATCH THAT

I don't.

I think about trying. Oh, a lot of contemplation happens in my head. I think about maybe starting to revise for the exam that I have within the same twenty-four hours. I think about maybe writing another letter to my brother and I think about walking to the shop, buying a stamp and posting the letters I've been writing for weeks. I think about redecorating my bedroom. I think about doing something different with my hair. I think about sending out my CV's to all of the places I'd like to work over the summer. I think about many things. Things I should probably be doing right now. Things I want to do. Do now. Do later. Do sometime in the near future. Do sometime in the not so near future. Yes, I'm a thinker. Not a do-er. How I wish I could find the energy to do more than think and one day do the things I'd like to do but for now, I think I'll post this blog and take satisfaction from the fact that for once I did something I thought about doing... Even if it only consisted of lounging on my sofa, pressing buttons on my keyboard to produce a spool of meaningless drivel. Good times.

Step one for a Northern Girl.

I believe it was a band called Slow Club who slipped this line into one of their songs,
"But I'm just a northern girl from where nothing really happens"
And I believe it was my year 9 history teacher, Mrs Lidster, who told me that, even though I may get the grades I want and may be qualified, if a man with a posh accent and I were to apply for the same job, he would have the advantage even if he were less qualified. Because that's what people like, posh men, not blonde northern girls. Because that's what happened to her niece.
I am 16. I live in northeast England. I have blonde hair.
I would like to feel that my appearance, age, size and accent have no influence on how I'm perceived.
Step one: Start a blog.